External dialogue

Victoria sleeps with me every night. Yes, in my bed, right by my side. Yes, even when my husband is home.

When she is fast asleep, nothing can wake her up. Not a hurricane, not a tsunami, not a fire, nothing at all. The cat goes into a coma. I wish I could be like her. Victoria sleeps through the entire night. I don’t know if she has dreams but she sure vocalizes a lot. No, she doesn’t say “Raquel is amazing, best owner ever”, though I’m sure she thinks about me all the time. Why wouldn’t she? After all, I comply with every wish of Her Majesty, the Cat.

Changing my diet isn’t helping me to regulate my sleep pattern: I always wake up in the middle of the night, with eyes wide open (It’s like a horror scene and I don’t usually watch horror movies). When that happens, I turn to the side and there Victoria is, snoring. Her fur is so soft that it soothes my soul and even though I have the idiot feeling that there’s a ghost in the room (The Sixth Sense rings a lot of bells…and so does The Ring), I immediately go back to sleep. I tell you: That cat is half magic. Since she is a black and white cat, I figure it makes sense to be half magic.

When I’m not home, she usually sleeps on my bed, right next to a Teddy Bear that I got my husband a week before our wedding. That says a lot because Victoria hates my husband. She growls, hisses and snarls at him every time he tries to come close to her. When he’s asleep, however, she sleeps on his head. That’s right: not next to him, not by his side, no, no, no. No. She’ll sleep ON his head. And to this day, he still doesn’t believe it.

So, when she is home alone, lying on my bed, next to the Teddy Bear, I’m sure they have deep conversations about the nothingness of life, or about how I cater to Victoria’s every need.

“Humans are so stupid. I’m just a cat and Raquel does everything for me. She gives me treats, lights the fireplace when she senses I’m cold and lets me sleep with her. How dumb can humans be?”, Victoria might say.

Teddy will probably answer: “You foolish cat, don’t you see that the treats are meant to lure you to her lap, the fireplace is for her own benefit and you serve the purpose of warming her very cold hands at night. Silly, idiot cat.”

And there it is: How to win at being a pet owner!


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